New Plague of Headaches Sweeps Across the Playground

    Over the past 4 days, several operators have reported a substantial increase in visitors to the local Headache Relief Center. All of these patrons say the same thing, reporting to be waking up in the morning and experiencing the same stabbing pains in the sides of their heads. The operators who maintain these centers are perplexed, wondering what could be causing this widespread ailment. 

Square Root Operator controlling the line for the HRC

     "It's not that unusual for the Center to have busy days, but this is weird!" Says Plus Operator. "Maybe it's the weather." 

    "They're called ice pick headaches, but they're pretty rare! To see a plague of them all of a sudden is pretty bizarre. I'm worried about our centers short-circuiting...it's a well-known fact that Square Roots don't like working overtime..." Says Square Root Operator.

     We spoke to a frequent injury-obtainer, Thirteen Integer on their experience while they were waiting for their turn for some good ol' fashioned headache relief, who said, "Well, I get headaches all the time. It's just part of the bad luck I think...but I also woke up missing a big chunk of flesh on my arm...so did many others. I wonder if it's a side effect..." 

     Wait. Missing flesh? You might be thinking: "How does missing flesh have anything to do with headaches?" Well, we thought the same thing. Our team carefully re-examined the evidence and it's true! Take a closer look at the earlier photo with the unnecessary red circles we've added to highlight this newfound substantiation:

    Many were stumped by the cause. Since this discovery, a full-scale investigation had been launched. You may have seen our flyers around, and we're thankful for the single, anonymous tip that has led us to say with certainty: We've solved this flesh-eating headache case. With this, our team received an image file containing a piece of CCTV footage, captured outside of Thirteen's house:

    Thirteen provided some additional commentary. "I guess...everyone just kind of forgets that Fourteen eats people's skin...including me." He says.

    We invited Fourteen to sit down with us for an exclusive interview and he graciously accepted:

: So! Fourteen! Thanks for joining me today. How have you been?

: Oh, just great! Better than ever really!

: Well, let's cut to the chase...what's up with you sneaking around with an ice pick and stabbing people in the brains in the middle of the night?! 

: Wow, no beating around the bush for you, huh? Well, it's a bit- well, it's a bit complicated.

: Oh? Do tell?

: Thanksgiving's coming up here pretty soon and if I want to make my Special Skin Stew, I need a surplus of skin! It'd be good for myself, too. You see, I've just recently stopped standing in a sub count with a bunch of Zeros...and no offense, they don't taste too good. I wonder if the lack of value is what makes them so bland.

: I mean- that does explain the missing flesh, but why the ice pick? You're causing quite a ruckus out there!

: Well, I didn't mean to cause the headaches. I just wanted to make sure everyone stayed asleep while I harvested from them; it's just to make it easier. I did not know that there would be problems because of that. I'm really sorry, everyone.

: Aww...well, I'm sure everyone will eagerly accept your apology! How could we stay mad at that face! Ha! Classic Fourteen...Oh? You brought the ice pick with you? How cool! Haha- what are you doing? Hey- HEY NOW! WHOA!!"

    While our interview was cut off a little early and now this author is missing a chunk of skin from his arm and also will need a trip to the HRC as well, we'd consider this a success! Fourteen was also kind enough to leave behind his Special Skin Stew recipe! What a treat!

Fourteen's Special Skin Stew

• 3 pounds various number skins

• 2 teaspoons salt

• 1 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

• 3 tablespoons olive oil

• 2 medium yellow onions, cut into 1-inch chunks

• 7 cloves garlic, peeled and smashed

• 2 tablespoons balsamic vinegar

• 1½ tablespoons tomato paste

• ¼ cup all-purpose flour

• 2 cups dry red wine

• 2 cups beef broth

• 2 cups water

• 1 bay leaf

• ½ teaspoon dried thyme

• 1½ teaspoons sugar

• 4 large carrots, peeled and cut into 1-inch chunks on a diagonal

• 1 pound small white boiling potatoes (baby yukons), cut in half

• Fresh chopped parsley, for serving (optional)

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• INSTRUCTIONS

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• Preheat the oven to 325°F and set a rack in the lower middle position.

• Pat the number skin dry and season with the salt and pepper. In a large oven or heavy soup pot, heat 1 tablespoon of the olive oil over medium-high heat until hot and shimmering. Brown the skin in 3 batches, turning with tongs, for about 5 minutes per batch; add one tablespoon more oil for each batch. (To sear the flesh properly, do not crowd the pan and let the skin develop a nice brown crust before turning with tongs.) Transfer the skin to a large plate and set aside.

• Add the onions, garlic and balsamic vinegar; cook, stirring with a wooden spoon and scraping the little brown bits from bottom of the pan, for about 5 minutes. Add the tomato paste and cook for a minute more. Add the skin with its juices back to the pan and sprinkle with the flour. Stir with wooden spoon until the flour is dissolved, 1 to 2 minutes. Add the wine, skin broth, water, bay leaf, thyme, and sugar. Stir with a wooden spoon to loosen any brown bits from the bottom of the pan and bring to a boil. Cover the pot with a lid, transfer to the preheated oven, and braise for 2 hours.

• Remove the pot from the oven and add the carrots and potatoes. Cover and place back in oven for about an hour more, or until the vegetables are cooked, the broth is thickened, and the skin is tender. Fish out the bay leaf and discard, then taste and adjust seasoning, if necessary. Serve the stew warm -- or let it come to room temperature and then store in the refrigerator overnight or until ready to serve. This stew improves in flavor if made at least 1 day ahead. Reheat, covered, over medium heat or in a 350°F oven. Garnish with fresh parsley, if desired.